I wonder if other moms do the same shit I do, feel like I do on some days. Also, sit and stare at a wall with the “taxidermy Fox” look on their face. Literally so momed out that all you can do is scowl at the wall, an eye twitch here and there. Breathily and high pitched you let out an airy squeak  “whaaat the fuuuuuuhhhaa?!” Have you ever been that over mommed that you literally feel nothing but numb yet everything all at once at the end of a bad day (or sometimes half way through said day?) that all you can do is blankly stare. I’ve seen some things man...

There are days when I have had it up to here so many damn times that I can’t even stand the sound of me saying “I’ve had it up to here.” Today in particular I cannot physically and mentally go on any longer I’m burned the fuck out. This is a little how my day played out:

I’ve been cleaning the same mess of a family room for hours and the cluster fuck of toys somehow grew in size during the day, the laundry pile which I thought I had made some progress with, barely has a dent. Gotta keep washing and folding these tiny clothes, they can’t be naked! I have had every single possible problem with every single customer I’ve emailed today. Someone asked me if I could call USPS and ask them to speed it up. Sorry no, I don’t have the delivery drivers number in Philadelphia. My kids have not slept more than 2 hours per kid, in a “one wakes up when the other goes to sleep” pattern. And now they are refusing naps and screaming for Moana and to watch Ryan Toy Video. To give myself a breather I agree to both, and now they are battling each other with the volume of their iPads. Probably shouldn’t have gotten them iPads, am I bad mom? Screen time is not good. I’ll take care of that later. I have orders to print and pack that are probably overdue that I now have no time to ship because it’s almost 7. I have to cook yet another meal, do the dishes, which who even used all those dishes? Did we throw a party recently? Shit. And what the fuck is that smell? Me? Oh good the baby spit up and the middle one shit and is still dancing around to Moana songs, and the big one just dropped his juice all the way down the stairs. Oh look more laundry. Yay, my husband is feeling sorry for himself because I’m not listening. I’m listening! I’m always listening, but I’m doing things and thinking about the things I still have to do. And now I’m thinking you suck, and I don’t even want to listen to you. Now the big one is wailing because there is no more juice. What the fuck is that smell??! Phones ringing, No grandma I cannot face time right now. *Ding* email, another customer wants to know where their order is, it’s not supposed to ship for another 7 days. Are you kidding? Don’t you know it’s the holidays? Omg my Christmas tree is sideways. Why is the Christmas Tree Sideways?! Did anyone buy milk? Did my four year old just call me what I think he just called me? Shit his juice, still that language is not gonna fly, probably something on You Tube, but I blocked those channels. I better cut the screen time. Didn’t we put age guidelines on that stupid app? Omg I’m failing as a mom. And now I’ve been boiling water for the noodles so long the water has evaporated. Cool. My husband again, this time he needs to know where every single thing he owns is, because I apparently keep track of where he left it last and he can’t possibly look for something, no Im not busy. Nope still not listening either. Shit who’s calling me now?! Omg I forgot to text my friend back 2 days ago and now she’s calling me, I l don’t even have an excuse as to why I’m ignoring her, I’m not really I just haven’t had the time to- what are they screaming about? Who’s screaming? Are you ok? *Ding* Omfg another email, no Susan you ordered two days ago, it’s not lost and we did not forget about you. Please make it stop. Please, I just need one second please. The baby is now crying, have to rock him, the toddler is crying because I can’t carry them both at the same time and the big one is “starving”. Fuck, the water is boiling and almost evaporated AGAIN! Phones ringing, Omg no grandma I cannot face time right now. Great! The big one picked up the call cause I put my phone down for one damn second. Now I have to talk. Loud noises!! 

“Hi Gram!“ “Danielle you have dark circles under your eyes” my grandma so lovingly starts in on me. “You need to eat healthy. Are you taking vitamins” Oh her intentions are pure but I can’t fucking do it right now. “Hey gram let me-“ “BALLS BALLS BALLS PEEEENNNISS” my son is singing a package song at the top of his lungs. My grandma tells me “he can’t be talking like that when he goes to school. The teachers will call you down there” yeah well we aren’t really promoting scrotum rap at the moment, so I’m not taking the blame on this one. I’m also so in the fuck over my head I’m not sure that I even care at this point. He’s creatively making up songs, that’s kind of good right? I tell her “He is just trying to get attention, gram, he’s a boy, they do weird shit” she says she’s gotta go. Ok great the four year old scared my grandma away. Have to call her later and smooth that over. What is sticky? Why are the floors wet. Where did my husband go? Omfg why is he not helping me? Doesn’t he hear this? That’s it!!! *Ding* email, “Can this arrive by the 10th? I’ll be sure to leave a great review” The 10th...it’s the 8th. And if I can’t somehow make magic happen and print and overnight ship this tomorrow then what? What if the Holiday season slammed post office isn’t on time. Since I know you’re review driven it’s gonna be a no for me. I’m not gonna even stress, it’s just one order and I’m not super woman. *Ding* email of all emails, caps lock, so basically screaming at me. Look up the order number. Hahahaha! Wow not even my shop. This isn’t even ordered from me! Don’t even have this, kinda relieved, but damn she really pissed me off and she’s not even my customer. Oh look a 5 star review, that’s so nice there are still some wonderful people in this-SHIT! Dinner. Fuck it I’ll order a pizza. Hey husband that I’m not listening to, can you please order a pizza? I’ve been boiling water for almost two hours and it hasn’t cooked anything and the kids can’t have anymore snacks. Goldfish crackers and string cheese and..ugh cookies???...who opened the cookies? My husband opened the cookies, that’s who. Put some kind of vegetable on the pizza! Nope, wait scratch that, the four year old might die if he sees a topping on pizza. Or so I’ve heard.

“Mama, Jack Jack is playing in the toilet!” The big one yells. Who left that god damn gate open omg. How fast did he go in there? He was just right next to me. What. The. Hell. Now? And with the sound of another *ding* I collapse into my kitchen chair. My eyes glaze over. “Whaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuaaaahh” escaping from my lips. Staring at the wall. I just can’t do it anymore today. I can’t even. I’m momed out and momfried. Mombie. Night of the living dead mom. I can’t possibly go on. 


No, no time for giving up now, I’ll try that tomorrow. I got up and I momed again after all.

Danielle Cohen